March 27, 2018

This post is the first one I am going to publish.  It's late, I'm tired.  This blog is about love, and it's about grief.  I begged to be a mother.  One day, my deepest calling came true and a baby boy was literally handed to me, I was asked if I wanted him, my eyes were overflowing with tears, and I uttered, "yes".  

So began my journey of motherhood.  One I will always feel honored to have experienced, every single step.  Even the ones I definitely slipped and fell onto the ground, but I adored each as a blessing of the great universe and the sensation of the universal motherhood.  I realize all this may sound full of sappy, hippy, language but my heart is so open and yet so very tender while I sit on the brink of not being a mother any second, any day, any month.  I have at least earned the right to be sappy.  

 It began around 5 AM on October 22, 1986 when Shawndra called me and told me it was time to meet her at the hospital.  I was so nervous, was this really going to work?  What if Shawndra changed her mind?  What if something happened and the birth father wouldn't sign over custody, what if....?  Shawndra was, and still is, an incredibly strong woman who keeps her word and knows when her mind is made up.  Yes, we are still in contact and we have a bond, like no other.  We know we love each other forever.  She is the person who gave me the gift of motherhood.  She is Daniel's birth mother and she made many selfless sacrifices to give her son the best possible life she could give him.  I swore to her I would do the same.  Shawndra's mother held Daniel first, then handed Daniel to Shawndra, Shawndra handed Daniel to me.  It may have been the most emotional birthing room in Community Hospital but to me it was the most beautiful day ever.  My faithful Bonner friends were bringing champagne to celebrate in the nursery!  Daniel was welcomed into the world first by 3 loving women then into the world of loving friendship.  He was so loved from the very first day.    

Daniel arrived home to his adoring Goddess-sisters, Briana and Alyssa.  They are each 3 years apart, including Daniel, so Briana was 6, Alyssa 3 when The Boy arrived, that was pretty exciting and the girls had to join in on the mothering, more loving upon loving from the girls and our great friends, Daniel's God parents Lesley Morrow and Rex Young.  

Things change in life, as I studied Buddhism and continue to do so, one thing I have learned is Change is all there is.   When doors seem to slam shut, new ones usually open up and all for the better in the end.  

I'm giving you some background for key players so in future episodes you can keep up the characters.  

Daniel was diagnosed at age 7 with Duchenne's Muscular Dystrophy and we were told he would not live past 15 years of age.  He is now 31 years old and is on Hospice since December 25. 2017.

My heart is splitting into pieces.